Truth

The truth is, I’m a bit of a hypocrite. I talk a good game about being true to yourself, not wasting time, and living your best life possible but in reality, we haven’t lived our best life in quite some time. Sure, we’ve had good moments, but mostly we’ve soldiered on a a war we never actually had a stake in.

In 2015, I moved us to Tennessee under the false impression that my mother was gravely ill and I got us stuck here. I am completely to blame for that. And to “make the best of it”, I convinced myself and others that there was a valiance to my efforts. There was none.

It always sounded good on paper to say that I was my mother’s caregiver. It was a way to make her nonsense make sense, but that’s all it ever was – complete and utter nonsense. The only assistance she has ever needed is the kind that can be bought – a landscaper, a housekeeper, a grocery service, an errand boy, and an Uber.

My mother is a raging narcissist. As easy as that is to say, it’s all the more difficult to understand, especially in how it has affected me. It has shaken my confidence in myself. It has made me doubt everything I once knew to be true. It has made me scared of being hurt, being lost, being alone, and sometimes just being. I am the victim of 48 years of longstanding abuse, and while I don’t offer that as an excuse for anything I’ve done, it is my reality.

I recently began writing a private blog about my experience with my mother. I never intended to publish it but after last week with her, I needed an appropriate outlet, that wasn’t taking my fears and frustrations out on other people or playing the victim. I needed to take back my story. So I adopted a pseudonym to keep things private while being public and I hit publish. You can find this blog at dealingwiththedrama.wordpress.com.

I am sharing this today because I’m going to be taking a little break again from writing this blog. I need some time to heal and to get some personal affairs in order to break these chains that have bound me to my abuser for the entirety of my life. I don’t know what the future holds but I can promise that the next chapter of this journey will not be in Tennessee and it will not be filled with excuses of any kind.

12 thoughts on “Truth

  1. I started reading your new blog. I relate to a lot of it, I’m still trying to figure my life out now that I’m alone. I’m so sorry you’re alone right now, is this permanent with you and Angie or a breather for you to get you’re feelings in order? Honestly I’m not trying to be nosey I’m concerned because of all you’ve been through. Remember my mom was over bearing and bossy not quite sure she was a narcissist but maybe she was??? If you ever need to vent feel free to email me and good luck! I’ll be thinking about you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Kristine! I have no idea whether it’s permanent or not, and I don’t want it to be, but it sure feels like it. My biggest regret is that I stayed in the situation with my mom for so long, but she was my mom so it was very hard to even think about leaving without bringing on a ton of guilt. Maybe I’m just too busy right now to notice and maybe it will hit me one day, but right now that ‘sense of obligation’ I felt toward her is gone. I am mostly angry with my mom (and myself) for letting things get so out of hand that it cost me the love of my life. I remain hopeful though and I know that one way or another, life has a way of working out if you just keep plugging along. So that’s what I’m doing…just plugging along 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh how I wish I knew!! It is scary (and exciting at the same time) to be taking care of me for the first time in like forever. The shadow of my mom has always been around the corner, and it’s probably still there but I just don’t acknowledge it like I used to, but not having to be at her beck and call is so freeing!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Every day is the beginning of a new journey and you have taken control of your life. Don’t look back or hesitate! I congratulate you.
    My husband’s mother was a narcissist, and the harm and hurt she inflicted on her family, and all of us in the extended satellite orbits, was unbelievably extreme. At some point, all three of her children had to completely sever all contact for extended periods of time.
    This will be a new birth!
    💕Dorothy

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m certain we could be sisters! Please go fourth and find yourself before it’s too late!!! My mom was same way, now I find myself stuck in a town I don’t want to be in but with current world situation I don’t know if it’s wise to leave here. The last several years I was her caretaker even tho she claimed she didn’t need me. But if I mentioned moving it was either “ what will I do here alone” or “go ahead I don’t need you”. So please do this now before you end up in same situation that I find myself in. If you need encouragement feel free to email me!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! I know we are sisters, if not by blood, definitely by heart! I appreciate your encouragement and I’m sure I’m going to need a lot of it before this is all said and done.

      Like

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